


As everything turns black

by sdlucly



Series: Too Much [3]
Category: The OC (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Study, Episode Related, Gen, M/M, Post Episode AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 23:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16774684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sdlucly/pseuds/sdlucly
Summary: I'm really trying to post everything that was originally posted in livejournal, ages ago. Do bear with me.Originally written and posted in May, 2006. Betad by 60schic.





	As everything turns black

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really trying to post everything that was originally posted in livejournal, ages ago. Do bear with me.  
> Originally written and posted in May, 2006. Betad by 60schic.

_January 19th, 2004_

The air around Seth is cold and his hands feel numb, even as he rubs them together, shaking slightly, his throat tight and his eyes close shut. And yet, yet, he can't stop himself from thinking, from seeing, and it all moves in slow motion and it's stupid the way he can remember Ryan standing there, his voice low and controlled, tone calm and collected.

_"Put the gun down, man."_

Seth's hand shakes as he moves it to his mouth, covering it tightly.

_"I know what it's like to be abandoned by your parents--"_

Seth can see Ryan standing there, black jacket over blue button down shirt, so very cool, as if dealing with maniacs with guns is an every day thing--

_"your friends--"_

\-- and when Seth saw Ryan taking a step forward, he could only reach out for him, try to stop Ryan, a plea in his throat because in a second, he could imagine something going wrong, so very wrong, and God, he had been right, he had been right--

But Ryan didn't stop when Seth's forearm touched Ryan's stomach, trying to stop him, Ryan just kept on walking, voice soft and confident--

_"--and have no one in your life who believes in you--"_

\--reaching out, hand outstretched, fingers open, palm up, and said,

_"Oliver, put the gun down."_

And Seth thought that Ryan had done it, that Ryan could calm down an angered tiger, and then everything turned black, everything turned red, because Oliver turned around, face in a grimace, and fired.

Ryan crumbled to the floor, and Seth couldn't quite see his face, could only reach out, try to catch Ryan before he fell to the ground, but his fingers grasped only the edges of his black jacket and saw him falling, just falling, head thrown back, eyes wide open, blood on his brow, blood everywhere.

After that, things turn kind of hazy for Seth. He remembers cradling Ryan close, trying not to move him and wanting to stop the bleeding and the security guys behind him moving to get Oliver and his dad not doing anything, just standing there. He remembers calling out Ryan's name, touching Ryan's brow, muttering things, stupid words, words like, "it's okay. You're gonna be okay, dude. Breathe, God, Ryan, please, just breathe."

They tried to take Ryan away, someone, people. People with thick jackets with blue and red, tried to take Ryan away from him and Seth refused at first, tried to keep Ryan protected, close to his chest, but then there was his dad's hand on his shoulder, saying, "son, please," and Seth gave in and let them. He had to watch, one telling the other things Seth didn't understand, didn't recognize, and then they were placing a tube in Ryan's throat and a bag over it and one of them said it was to help Ryan breathe. And then they were running out of the penthouse to the elevator, down to the first floor and into the ambulance.

After that, after that, Seth doesn't remember anything but sitting here, feeling his blood freeze in his veins, and telling himself to breathe because he fears he might stop if he doesn't remind himself.

His hands shake and he watches them tremble with a disparity he can feel in his very bones and--

_"welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt--"_

\-- he gasps, a sad sound in his throat that ends in something akin to a sob and he shakes his head, not knowing what else to do, and hides his face in his hands.

Don't do this, God, Seth, don't do this to yourself, he thinks, but he can't stop it, he can't stop himself from remembering Ryan, walking into the kitchen, hand still on the doorknob, hair all rumpled from sleeping--

_"Hey."_  
"Hey."  
"Do you want to play?" 

\-- and Ryan, sitting down in a plastic chair, lips pressed tight into a thin line, worried, saying--

_"It's my fault. If it wasn't for me, you never would have met him. Luke wouldn't be in the hospital. I feel like ever since I got here, everybody's lives have just gotten worse--"_

\-- stupid things, things that weren't true, and him shaking his head, telling Ryan the truth, that--

_"I do think that from now on, though, we've got to stick together because united, we're unstoppable, but divided it's--"_

\-- his life was meaningless until Ryan arrived, until it wasn't just Seth against the world, but Ryan and Seth against the world and waterpolo players. And that they should do one thing, and one thing alone--

_"People get shot."_

\-- and that is stay together, because who knows what might happen, if they were to face stuff alone, and not together, and Seth's pretty sure there was something there about getting shot, or not getting shot, or something. And Seth doesn't get it, can't get it, because he was there, with Ryan. He was there, standing next to Ryan when Oliver pulled the gun away from his head but pointed at Ryan instead, and how in the world could this have happened, he doesn't understand. How did Ryan get shot?

Stuff like this doesn't happen, Seth thinks with a shake of his head, biting the inside of his cheek. God, things like this only happen in the movies.

"Sandy?"

Seth looks up, hearing his mother's voice and he can't help but turn around, watching her running down the hallway, toward his dad. He can see tears in her eyes, down her cheeks, before she throws herself into his father's arms.

"He shot him," Seth whispers, words nothing but air as they leave his lungs. He shakes his head once, surprised, his hands trembling on his lap. "God, Mom, he shot Ryan."

When she pulls away, he can only watch her, eyes wide and dark, hard and unrelenting, before she speaks, "What happened? My god, Sandy, what the hell happened?"

I got him shot, Mom. I was standing there and Oliver just shot him. Seth can feel his eyes losing the battle. I got him shot, Mom. I got him shot.

His dad doesn't say anything, or if he does, Seth doesn't hear. All he can do is just sit there, shaking like a leaf on the plastic chair the hospital provided, his hands trembling, tears in his eyes he's too weak to resist, always too weak, too fucking weak, to fight, to protect from harm.

Seth blinks, and they fall down his cheeks even as he shakes his head and he can see Ryan on the floor, bleeding, blood coming from his temple and Seth falling to his side, trying to catch Ryan before he hurts himself. Only he doesn't, and Seth can only reach out for Ryan's eyes, for his brow, for his left temple, where blood poured from like water from a broken dam. Blood falling onto the beige carpet, blood on his beige pants, on his hands, on Ryan's hair, on Ryan's skin, on his cheeks, on his lips, blood, nothing but blood and blood and blood and blood--

"Sandy, what happened?"

There's pressure on his chest, tight, so tight he can't breathe, he can only open his mouth wide, hoping for air to actually enter his lungs. He wants to scream and yet sound doesn't come out of his lips, nothing but a whimper and his hand on his mouth, and his mother, asking, his dad, shaking.

"What the hell happened?"

He shakes his head, and watches as they turn around and look at him. Seth can only shake his head again before running down the hallway, past them, and to the bathroom on the other side. 

Seth can almost imagine them calling after him, but he doesn't hear, doesn't want to hear, can only think about the bathroom and closing himself in there and don't remember, don't remember, please, just don't remember.

He lets the door slam closed and he stumbles inside, his legs weak, his hands shaking, his whole body tired. He grips the first sink in the row of them, and leans his head forward, chin on his chest.

_"At times I think you talk just to make noise."_

He used to, not so long ago, when he could smile, when he could think before feeling blood on his fingers, when he could see beyond seeing Ryan falling down, shock on his face, blue eyes wide, back then, Seth could talk just to make noise. Now, it's nothing but silence and blackness that meet him.

He looks up into the mirror, seeing his reflection, and there's a line of blood on his brow, over his left eyebrow, and Seth can almost remember rubbing his forehead with his bloody fingers. Ryan's blood, on him. Ryan's blood, on his pants, Seth notices as he looks down, so much blood in one person alone. So much blood that Ryan's lost. So much blood and how can Ryan be fine, be safe, be whole, having lost all this blood.

He wants to do something, to be able to think, to think past Ryan's voice in his mind, past Ryan's smile as he tilts his head to the side, nothing but a curve of his lips. He should be able to do something now, to be outside and be with his parents but he can't find it in himself. He wants to be alone, he wants to see Ryan, to know that he's safe, he's alive, he's breathing, he's--

_"So now you’re eating with silverware. Next thing I'll see you at the Louvre."_

\--sitting at the table, plate in his hands, scrambled eggs and toast, and Ryan always makes more than his share because he knows Seth loves scrambled eggs and he can't make them worth his life, so Ryan always makes Seth a plate--

He can't breath, the air can't enter his lungs and his hands shake even as he grips the edge of the sink and his face is down and his eyes are closed and he can still see Ryan in his mind's eye, can see him looking back at him, grin on his lips, lifting his head, shaking his head, smiling, seeing him back and his face clean, no blood coming from his temple--

The door opens and Seth stands up in surprise, a man, older than his dad, walking in, giving him a glare before making his way to one of the stalls.

Seth's heart pounds in his chest, rapid and loud, and he can only sigh, take in a shallow breath, before letting it out slowly. He counts to ten and can hear Ryan,

_"You're overreacting, Seth. You do that."_

and can see him, and when he pulls away from the sink, he still stumbles his first step forward, hand reaching for the doorknob. He walks out of the bathroom and turning around to look at his parents, he sees a nurse talking with them, a woman, and he hurries his pace to be able to hear her.

"--surgery right now. The doctors are working on him, but the surgery will take hours, the damage's too extensive." The nurse nods at them, and Seth swallows, arms going around himself. "It might be better for you to go home, rest tonight, and we'll call you as soon as we know something."

His mother reacts in an instant, shaking her head. "No, no, we're not leaving. We're gonna stay here."

"Mrs. Cohen--"

"We won't leave."

Seth nods, even though they don't look at him. He can't leave. He can't imagine himself leaving the hospital and not knowing about Ryan.

"Alright then. You can stay here, I'll come and look for you when I know more." She smiles at them and nods before turning around.

"Seth?"

His mother asks, her hand reaching out for him, but Seth can only shake his head and take a step back. He can't do this, he can't look at her, he can't look at them, when all he can see is Ryan smiling at him and whispering his name, over and over again.

He doesn't even glance at his father, at his mother, as he stumbles back and takes his seat back on the other end of the hallway, his hands shaking, cold, numb, and he rubs them together to try and feel the blood flowing within.

If his parents talk to one another after that, Seth doesn't hear. They very well could, and Seth wouldn't have been able to hear. His ears feel clogged, his mind numb, and all he can hear is Ryan's soft laughter, the very few times he was able to hear such a sound. Ryan, who was never the one to laugh out loud, but under his breath, like a secret he was letting Seth on.

And the world around him just turns black, from one corner to the next, from one light to the one standing by. There's nothing but blackness around his very being, around his soul, and Seth has never felt more alone than he does at the moment.

He looks down at his hands, aching from the cold, from the inside, and the blood seems to be freezing in his veins, in this very instant. Blood that he saw on Ryan's lips, on his left brow, down his cheeks, like the tears Seth sheds.

"Seth," Ryan had tried to mutter, but Seth had shushed him.

"Don't talk," Seth had said. "It'll be okay, don't talk, just breathe. Just breathe."

"Seth," Ryan had tried to say, and it broke Seth's heart. Seth, Seth, Seth, it had turned into a whisper after a second, it had turned into nothing but air leaving Ryan's lungs, along with the blood coming from out of his lips. Seth had placed his fingers on Ryan's lips, touched the blood and the words, touched his name, trying his best to bring it all back, to give it all back to Ryan so he could breathe, so he could survive.

Cold, Ryan had looked, whispering and breathing, almost giving in, and Seth had tried to cover him, to keep him warm, to pull him to his chest when Ryan had shuddered in pain and grimaced, and Seth had stopped in shock. He stopped trying to move Ryan, only kept on touching him, asking him to breathe. Please, Ryan, please, just breathe.

But even as Ryan had tried to take in a deep breath, he had started coughing up blood, blood coming from his lips, from his temple, blood on Seth's fingertips, blood here and everywhere.

Seth leans forward, his head in his hands, and lets himself remember Ryan's touch on his shoulder, Ryan's small smile on his lips, the tilt of his head even as he remembers his name being whispered by Ryan's bloody lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Dude, uploading the fic, I'm obviously reading the fic once again, and holy cow, I used to write a lot!


End file.
